Sex. There are no refunds! Journey of a Shaman. Part 1

SEX. There are no refunds!

First thing you need to know here is… this is not advice, this is not judgment, this is perception, this is concern…this is my very vulnerable and open letter to my fellow awakening sisters and brothers. And part of a set of blogs I want to write around sex!


I began a sexually active life at sweet 16. I was blessed. I had a boyfriend who guided me towards the discovery of my divine sacred feminine power with love, respect and honour for both my body and my pleasure. Something I assumed was ‘normal’ and since learned something that is rare!

This sex thing was new, exciting and it was awesome.  Within a few weeks I did the ‘responsible thing’ (that was the social norm) when engaging in regular sexual activity and took myself off to the Doc’s!  I felt so grown up, so responsible, so excited. This was a whole new chapter in my life.

In the first few months I began to change, in my body and in my mind.  Deep down I knew that the the pills were no good for me but I carried on because that was ‘the done thing’.  Any strange depressions that washed over me was easily numbed with epic marathons of MTV, X-Files, vodka and being the life and soul of the party.

In the grand scheme of my 38 years here on this earth, my ‘year and a half relationship’ with my first love was a drop in the ocean, but at the time for my 17 year old self,  it was an eternity and a time that gifted me some very solid foundations of self worth… It taught me that sex was about mutual pleasure, deep connection and LOVE!

I broke his heart.

I was growing up, he loved me too much and I was seeking independence and freedom. When my Grandad died it hit me hard. I wanted to be free, I wanted to live life, I didn’t want anyone to look after me or tell me what to do anymore I wanted to feel all that life had for me.

I ended it with my first love when my head was turned by a 33 year old man (who was ‘separated’ from his wife but clearly wasn’t). The irony was not lost on me that my own father was  33 when he left my mother for a 17 year old girl.  This man was indeed a psychological version of my then estranged father, but his dark looks and charming nature were a great distraction and swept me off my innocence and took me to a place where I could dip my feet in a wild river and taste a new excitement.

The first sexual experience with ’33’ was awful. It made me cringe at his absolute inability to connect and I was profoundly aware of his detachment from himself and from me. It took only a few seconds to learn that he had no thought of my pleasure and this was a new experience for me.

I felt sorry for him and ashamed for me! I was still on the pill, so there was no thought of using condoms and there was no thought of what I was allowing into my body  both energetically and biologically!  I allowed this bizarre interaction to happen one more time, before waking up to the energetic destruction of this. ‘NO,  I AM WORTH MORE THAN THIS!’ I stood up and said, I’m sorry I don’t think this is going to work. I moved on.

How the tables had turned, I had played out my biggest judgments I had of my father. I had spent most of my life hating that 17 year old girl he ran off with…. and I became her!

The Shaman in me now sees and heals the ancestral patterns that subtly weave themselves though the linages of our families. Unhooking the stories that shape shift and pass on through generation to generation from grandparents to parents to child… the patterns that repeat and flow through our lives until we seek the opportunities to learn, heal and grow turning the destruction into golden wisdom.

The start of university showed me that the world was not what I had thought it to be. It began to dawn on me that the guys at uni had no love for me or themselves. Freshers week turn into fresher term, promiscuous play, too much drinking and a constant seeking to find a deeper connection with someone was the only thing I was focused on. It left me detached and empty with a tally that made me look cool!

3 months into uni something happened where I felt I was not able to say No, he was different to the stupid boys at uni. This man knew what he was doing and it wasn’t nice. He was my boss at my crappy pizza waitress job, although I was outwardly a strong person, I was also very nice and polite and too vulnerable to say no to my boss!! I didn’t want to be rude, or lose my job and he sort of scared me. He asked me out for a drink after work, then he asked me to pay for the drinks and then he asked me to to drive him home. Even though everything in my entire being did not want this, I allowed it! After it was over I lay there willing him to go to sleep so I could leave. I left his house, I went back to my halls and I felt horrific. It was that moment I realised this man was not clean in his intentions or his energy and all of that was now inside of me! He had ejaculated his energy and his potently unclean cells into my beautiful body, he used me to release his own hurts, escaping his own demons and smothered my soul with his shadows. And I allowed it!

“When you sleep with someone you sleep with their past”

I began to feel pretty dirty not even the vast amount of booze could numb the fact there was something very wrong in being open to all of this. But I was not conscious enough to understand what was really going on. But I knew that I was far too open and I knew being on the pill made me more available to this, it was hindering my self preservation and respect, it was too easy for me to be easy!

After that Christmas, aged 18 and a half, I came off the pill. I would not have sexual intercourse unless I used a condom and I was now wise enough to know that I would not engage with anyone who had no idea of equal sexual pleasure and fair play. I was not going to be someones peace of meat and I was not going to suck some dudes dick… that form of play was only going to be for someone who loved me equally.

I had been on the pill for just over 2 years, and coming off was profound to me. My body was more balanced, I had less pangs of anxiety, I felt strong and powerful, my weight dropped and I became deeply aware that the pill had been messing with me so much that I decided I would not use it again.

I began to ground back to earth, I slowed down, and I began to just hang out with my guy friends without the sex … things were calmer. My head was clearer and yes I knew I wanted a boyfriend but knew expected someone who would connect with me on the deepest of levels and love and respect me.

It didn’t take long.
2 weeks after my 19th birthday I fell in love with my husband…
I knew he was the one when I first set eyes on him
The energy between us was profound,
This was the reunion of 2 souls
I have been waiting for you
This was not sex…
This was divine and sacred
This was Unity, innocence, purity. This was love.

I went back on the pill, because thats ‘what you do when you start having regular sex and don’t want a baby’.
The Dr gave me one more ‘suited’ to me (it tuns out that every girl I knew at uni was on the same one, I smelt a pharmaceutical deal even back then).

I began to changed in my body, in my mind and deep down I knew that the the pills were no good for me but I carried on because that was ‘the done thing’.  Any strange depressions that washed over me was easily numbed with epic marathons of beers, vodka, port and being the life and soul of the party.

I went back to the Dr feeling sad and depressed… maybe I needed to change my pill? They gave me antidepressants!

One thing that I knew, I had met my soul mate, we were forever, we were engaged within a year and it was natural to talk about ‘one day’ when we have kids…  it was those conversations that that began to wake me up. Something inside of me knew that these little pills were fucking with me, something inside of me sensed that if I carried on taking these until the day I decided to have a child (maybe another 10 years) I would not be able to have children in the future.  Something inside of me knew all of this was was not for me.

I woke up, I valued my body and my mind more than anything. Less than 6 months on the pill was enough for me… I could not stand to do this to my body any more!! I came off the pill, threw the anti depressants in the bin and got the fuck on with my life..

I never looked back. I knew there was something very very very wrong with what was happening here and I began to really listen to my body.. I FINALLY LEARNED TO KNOW WHAT IT WAS TO FEEL MY OWN BODY, MY OWN MIND AND TRUE SOUL CONNECTION.



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